


"I’m sorry to disappoint you"

by yikesola



Series: fmdin2020 [17]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Anxiety, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:02:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28395840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/pseuds/yikesola
Summary: It’s an old habit. Dan doesn’t remember when he started doing it; when he started repeating the mean things other people said about him. When he started believing it. He just knows that some days the mantra is endless.A fic about negative self-talk and trying to counter it.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: fmdin2020 [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995946
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	"I’m sorry to disappoint you"

**Author's Note:**

> Fic Most Days in November*, Dialogue Prompt: I’m sorry to disappoint you
> 
> *and yes december too, fight me

It’s an old habit. Dan doesn’t remember when he started doing it; when he started repeating the mean things other people said about him. When he started believing it. He just knows that some days the mantra is endless. 

He also knows that most of the time he’s joking. Half-joking. Maybe a quarter joking. 

He says it in the wry tone of a joke, at least. 

Phil knows that. Knows Dan doesn’t mean it when he calls himself stupid or cringeworthy. Or worse. Sometimes much, much worse. He’ll shake his head and tell Dan, “No you’re not,” as though Dan’s really supposed to believe him. 

Dan doesn’t believe him. Dan believes the cruel things his brain says and thinks the kind things Phil says are well-meant but incorrect. That he tricked Phil, somehow. Tricked Phil into thinking he was someone worth keeping around even after dropping out of uni and making shit YouTube videos and going days without feeling like he could get out of bed. 

It’s weird, because Phil is smart. And a pretty good judge of character. But he still thinks Dan is so much better than Dan _knows_ he is. Dan knows he’s rotten to the core, all shattered bones and rotting brain. 

The spiral is starting up one night as he sits at his barely unpacked desk in their new flat in London. Too big of a flat, too expensive of a flat. He’s gonna fail, and he’s gonna drag Phil down with him. Moving was a mistake, thinking he could make a decent fucking video was a mistake he made three years ago and keeps making and he’s never going to get better. His head is in his hands and he shuts his laptop with his chin. He pushes the empty cardboard box that carried his crap now spread thoughtlessly around the room. It lands on the floor with a thud. 

The sound is almost satisfying. 

Almost.

He can hear Phil’s quick run from the lounge. That’s almost satisfying too. He fucking hates himself. 

“You okay?” Phil asks from the doorway. 

“Fine,” Dan lies. 

Phil is quiet. He’s still in the doorway. “You sure?” 

Dan turns and looks at him and the cracked voice in his head tells him to be mean. Not to Phil, be mean to himself. That hurts Phil more. 

“I’m _fine_ ,” he says. “Just coming to terms with the fact I’m shit and always will be shit and it’s a waste of time to try not being shit. Thanks.” 

Phil’s frown makes little lines on his forehead where he’s pushed his fringe out of his eyes. Dan wants to run his fingers over those lines. But he keeps talking. 

“It shouldn’t surprise me but I’m a slow fucking learner I guess. I failed at uni, of course I’d fail at YouTube.” He kicks the empty box into the middle of the room. “I failed working at ASDA, for fuck’s sake. Actual children can handle stocking shelves, but not me.” 

“Stop it,” Phil says. 

“Stop what, admitting that I can’t do anything right?” 

“Stop talking about yourself like that.” 

“Right, Phil, it’s much better if I keep lying and say I know what I’m doing and that everything’s gonna be alright. It’s much better if I keep mooching off your parents and ruining your life.” 

Phil’s arms are folded. He’s still stood in the doorway like he’s not going to let anything in or out. But Dan hasn’t moved. He isn’t sure what Phil is trying to block. 

“You know that isn’t true,” he says. 

Dan can’t answer because his tears are choking him. “Feels true.” 

“You _know_ that isn’t the same thing. You’re tired, you haven’t eaten, and the video is late because of a deadline _you_ set for yourself.” Phil’s voice is as sure as his folded arms. Dan can’t argue with him, as much as he wants to. “Please stop talking about yourself like that when you haven’t done anything wrong.” 

“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Dan says with a voice too full of all the fluids in his head, “but I’ve done, like… everything wrong.” 

He didn’t realise Phil had finally moved until he’s held by very familiar arms. Until there are very familiar lines being drawn invisibly on his back. Phil’s breathing is very loud; loud enough for Dan to follow along. It’s an old trick Phil learned from the uni counsellor the year his friend died. Remembering that has a fresh wave of tears falling from Dan’s eyes. How can Phil be so _good_? 

Eventually the breathing works, and Dan’s head stops spinning, and Phil wipes his wet face with a pillowcase grabbed from a nearby box. 

“You have to be nice to yourself,” Phil says quietly. Thankfully his face is so close that Dan can hear him. He learns forward to kiss him. 

“It’s hard,” Dan whines. 

“You have to try, at least,” Phil kisses him again. 

Dan shrugs. He can try. If Phil asks him, he can try.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading— come say hi on [tumblr](http://yikesola.tumblr.com/post/638798705163649024/im-sorry-to-disappoint-you) !


End file.
